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Neat People vs. Sloppy People
Suzanne Britt
I’ve finally figured out the difference between neat people and sloppy people. The distinction is, as always, moral. Neat people are lazier and meaner than sloppy people.
Sloppy people, you see, are not really sloppy. Their sloppiness is merely the unfortunate consequence of their extreme moral rectitude. Sloppy people carry in their mind’s eye a heavenly vision, a precise plan, which is so stupendous, so perfect, it can’t be achieved in this world or the next.
Sloppy people live in Never-Never Land. Someday is their métier. Someday they are planning to alphabetize all their books and set up home catalogs. Someday they will go through their wardrobes and mark certain items for tentative mending and certain items for passing on to relatives of similar shape and size. Someday sloppy people will make family scrapbooks into which they will put newspaper clippings, postcards, locks of hair, and the dried corsage from their senior prom. Someday they will file everything on the surface of their desks, including the cash receipts from coffee purchases at the snack shop. Someday they will sit down and read all the back issues of The New Yorker.
For all these noble reasons and more, sloppy people never get
neat. They aim too high and wide. They save everything, planning someday to file order and straighten out the world. But while these ambitious plans take clearer and clearer shape in their heads, the books spill from the shelves onto the floor, the clothes pile up in the hamper and closet, the family mementos accumulate in every drawer, the surface of the desk is buried under mounds of paper and the unread magazines threaten to reach the ceiling.
Sloppy people can’t bear to part with anything. They give loving attention to every detail. When sloppy people say they’re going to tackle the surface of a desk, they really mean it. Not a paper will go unturned; not a rubber band橡皮筋 will go unboxed. Four hours or two weeks into the excavation, the desk looks exactly the same, primarily because the sloppy person is meticulously creating new piles of papers with new headings and scrupulously stopping to read all the old book catalogs before he throws them away. A neat person would just bulldoze the desk.
Neat people are bums and clods at heart. They have cavalier attitudes toward possessions, including family heirlooms. Everything is just another dust-catcher to them. If anything collects dust, it’s got to go and that’s that. Neat people will toy with the idea of throwing the children out of the house just to cut down the clutter.
Neat people don’t care about process. They like results. What
they want to do is get the whole thing over with so they can sit down and watch the rasslin’ on TV. Neat people operate on two unvarying principles: Never handle any item twice, and throw everything away.
The only thing messy in a neat person’s house is the trash can. The minute something comes to a neat person’s hand, he will look at it, try to decide if it has immediate use and, finding none, throw it in the trash.
Neat people are especially vicious with mail. They never go through their mail unless they are standing directly over a trash can. If the trash can is beside the mailbox, even better. All ads, catalogs, pleas for charitable contributions, church bulletins and money-saving coupons go straight into the trash can without being opened. All letters from home, postcards from Europe, bills and paychecks are opened, immediately responded to, then dropped in the trash can. Neat people keep their receipts only for tax purposes. That’s it. No sentimental salvaging of birthday cards or the last letter of a dying relative ever wrote. Into the trash it goes.
Neat people place neatness above everything, even economics. They are incredibly wasteful. Neat people throw away several toys every time they walk through the den. I knew a neat person once who threw away a perfectly good dish drainer because it had mold
on it. The drainer was too much trouble to wash. And neat people sell their furniture when they move. They will sell a La-Z-Boy recliner while you are reclining in it.
Neat people are no good to borrow from. Neat people buy everything in expensive little single portions. They get their flour and sugar in two-pound bags. They wouldn’t consider clipping a coupon, saving leftover, reusing plastic non-dairy不含牛奶的；没有乳制品whipped cream n. 生奶油 containers or rinsing off tin foil and draping it over the unmold dish drainer. You can never borrow a neat person’s newspaper to see what’s playing at the movies. Neat people have the paper all wadded up and in the trash by 7:05 a.m.
Neat people cut a clean swath through the organic as well as the inorganic world. People, animals, and things are all one to them. They are so insensitive. After they’ve finished with the pantry, the medicine cabinet, and the attic, they will throw out the red geranium英 [d??'re?n??m] n. 天竺葵 (too many leaves), sell the dog (too many fleas), and send the children off to boarding school (too many scuffmarks on the hardwood floors).
整洁人与邋遢人
苏珊娜·布里特
我终于悟出了整洁人和邋遢人的区别。他们的区别总是表现在德行上。整洁人比邋遢人来得更懒惰、更吝尚。
要知道，邋遢人其实并非真的邋遢。他们的邋遢只是过于讲究德行而造成的不良后果。邋遢人心目中有着美妙的想象，有着周密的计划，既宏伟又完满，今生来世都无法实现。
邋遢人生活在理想王国里。他们最善于筹划有朝一日怎么办。有朝一日，他们要把自己的书全都按照字母顺序编排好，建立一个家庭图书目录。有朝一日，他们要把自己的衣服全都翻个遍，有的标明要试试能不能修补一下，有的标明要送给体型身材差不多的亲戚。有朝一日，邋遢人要制作家庭剪贴簿，把剪报、明信片、头发以及大学四年级班级舞会上用过的枯萎的装饰花放在里面。有朝一日，他们要把办公桌上的所有东西，包括在快餐店买咖啡的现金收据，全都归档整理好。有朝一日，他们要坐下来阅读所有过期的《纽约人》。
由于这些以及其他雄心勃勃的理由，遨遏人从来整洁不起来。他们把目标定得太高太远，于卜么东西都要保留下来，计划有朝一日再整理、再归档，把一切搞得井井有条。然而，就在这些宏伟的计划在心单渐渐成形的时候，书从书架上散落到地上，衣篮和衣柜单堆满了衣服，个个抽屉里都放满了纪念品，桌面上摆满了一摞摞的材料，没读过的杂志都快顶到天花板了。
邋遢人什么东西都不舍得丢掉，什么小东西都当成宝贝。当邋遢人说是要清理桌面时，他们还真不是说着玩的。每一张纸片都要翻个个儿，每一根橡皮筋都要装到盒子里。经过四小时或两星期的大清理，桌面上还跟先前一模一样，主要因为邋遢人会一丝不苟地立起新的名目，建起新的文件堆，还要把所有的旧书目仔仔细细地查看一番，才肯最终扔掉。整洁人则会把桌了清除得一干二净。
整洁人其实都是些懒汉和笨蛋。他们对自己的东西漫不经心，就是传家宝也毫不在意。在他们看来，任何东西都会吸引灰尘。什么东西一染上灰尘就得处理掉，没有什么好说的。为了减少家里的凌乱，整洁人还捉摸想把孩了扔出去。
整洁人并不在乎过程，而是喜欢结果。他们只想把什么都了结了，好坐下来打开电视看摔跤。整洁人有两条一定不易的行为准则：什么东西都不做二次处理，统统都要扔掉。
整洁人家里唯一凌乱的就是垃圾箱。整洁人一拿到一样东西，就要打量一番，看看是否能马上派上用场，如果马上派不上用场，就扔进垃圾箱里。
整洁人对信件特别不留情。他们每次看信必定要站在垃圾箱跟前。如果垃圾箱就在信箱旁边，那岂不是更好。所有的广告、目录、恳求慈善捐款、教堂公告、购物优惠券，也不拆封就投进了垃圾箱。所有的家信、欧洲来的明信片、所有的帐单和薪金支票，则要打开，马上回复，然后扔进垃圾箱。整洁人只是为了方便缴税，才保存收据的。仅此而己。他们决不会感情用事，保留生日卡或哪位生命垂危的亲戚写来的最后一封信。这些全要扔进垃圾箱。
整洁人把整洁看得高于一切，甚至都不考虑经济因素。他们浪费起来真令人难以置信，每次打娱乐室走过时，都要扔掉儿件玩具。我曾认识一个整洁人，他扔掉了一只非常好的餐具滤干器，因为那玩意儿发霉了，洗起来太费劲儿。整洁人一搬家，就要卖家具。你还躺在一把懒汉躺椅上，他们就把躺椅给卖掉了。
整洁人的东西可不要去借。他们买什么东西都要价钱很贵的单份小包装，买面粉和食糖要两磅一袋的。他们从不考虑剪下一张购物优惠券，保留一点剩余物，重复使用非乳制损奶油塑料盒，或是把锡纸冲洗干净，搭在没有发霉的餐具滤干器上。你想向整洁人借张报纸看看电影院在放映什么电影，那是永远做不到的。早晨七点零五分，整洁人就把报纸揉作一团，扔进了垃圾箱。
整洁人不竹你是无生物，还是有生物，全都要一扫而光。人、动物、东西，对他们来说都是一回事。他们太麻木不仁了。他们清理完食品室、药柜和阁楼之后，就会扔掉天竺葵（嫌叶子太多），卖掉狗（嫌跳蚤太多），把孩子打发到寄宿学校（嫌他们给硬木地板留下太多的瘢痕）。